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I feel a genuine affinity with Alan Pardew; as I too have been unjustly dismissed from the workplace. My only â ˜crimeâ ™ was being young and in love. Admittedly, it was wrong of us to consummate our relationship during working hours; but I remain convinced that the zookeeper overreacted.

Eggert Magnusson may well rue the decision to harpoon the former Hammer-head. Alan Curbishley is undoubtedly a competent replacement, but like Frank Lampard, heâ ™ll take a while to find his feet. The â ˜Egg manâ ™ has handed Man U three points at a cracking 1/2.

Rio Ferdinand is unable to look back on his time at Upton Park with any real fondness; he has the memory span of a dead goldfish. Rio and Vidic look rock solid at the back, a United clean sheet appeals at 11/10.

Chelsea will have to beat Everton to keep pace with the leaders, and Iâ ™m absolutely convinced that they will. Iâ ™m all over the 4/7 like John Terry on a referee.

Letâ ™s hope that Drogba keeps the theatrics to a minimum. (Diving is only ever acceptable after several lagers.) Didi looks the most likely first scorer at 9/2.

Roman Abramovic has placed £500m in a trust fund to secure Chelsea⠙s future. Ashley Cole was expecting £505m; he⠙s so upset about the situation he⠙s in talks with his publisher. I⠙m grabbing 5/2 about Chelsea winning 1-0 or 2-0.

Sol Campbell represented Arsenal on 197 occasions and he can justifiably feel proud that he avoided a breakdown in the majority of those matches. Sol returns with a Pompey team who have conceded 25 goals on their last 7 trips to Highbury; youâ ™ll be mad if you miss the Gunners at 4/9.

The influx of foreign owners in the Premiership may appear a cause for concern, but like the â ˜back-pass ruleâ ™ or giving women â ˜the voteâ ™, thereâ ™s nothing to fear in practice. Liverpool are quite rightly licking their lips at the thought of a cool Sheikh; Iâ ™m excited about 4/6 for a Pool win at the Valley.

Newcastle are in a bit of trouble. Owen, Ameobi, Parker, Duff, Bramble, Moore, Bernard, Harper, Carr, Emre, Solano and Sibierski are either ruled out or doubtful; and in a stunning development, Kieron Dyer may also miss the game through injury. Watford can snatch a draw at St Jamesâ ™ Park at 13/5.

Apart from the top four places, the Premiership is completely wide open this season. The result of Reading v Blackburn could be absolutely anything; except for a draw or an away win. The Royals are smoking at 6/5.

Neil Warnock has been remarkably restrained on the touchline this season; iâ ™ve a feeling that heâ ™s about to explode like Robbie Savage when the average price of a caravan rose dramatically in the late 90s. Wigan look a great bet at 10/11 to light the spark.

El Hadji Diouf is suspended for the trip to Aston Villa; allowing him to spend some quality time at home with his wife. All the stats point to a draw like itâ ™s a ginger boy in a ballet class. Get involved at 11/5.

Man City are unbeaten at home and Tottenham are yet to win away; the 6/4 about a home win looks a trifle too big. I expect City to come out all guns blazing from the start. In Manchester, thatâ ™s not a metaphor.

My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered by a bookmaker are greater than the actual probability of success; when I placed 5/4 next to Fulham, it whipped out a guitar.

Liverpool, Reading, Wigan, Chelsea and Fulham are the sure-fire selections for the weekend accer. The payout of 21/1 is so sweet; it reminds me of my first love. Iâ ™ll never forget you Ling-Ling.